Stay
by Revhead
Summary: Cas needs to hear Dean say it, but he can't. /Angsty Destiel


**Stay**

Blissed-out and totally content, Dean rolled over and exhaled a sigh, letting his eyes close.

"Dean, how do you feel about me?"

Dean blinked. He wanted to sleep. He might have been able to tolerate cuddling. But did Cas seriously want to have a conversation _now_? "What sort of question is that?"

"A valid one."

Hardly. "We're sleeping together."

"Yes. And how many women have you slept with?"

Dean shrugged. What did it matter? "I don't know."

"More than you can count. Sex is meaningless to you."

Dean turned over to look at Cas incredulously. They were naked, in bed together, in a room that used to be his and was now theirs. "It's not meaningless!"

Cas was practically glaring, as though Dean hadn't given him a blow job that made him shout to high heaven (probably scarring his siblings for eternity) barely ten minutes ago. He should have been high on endorphins, not spoiling for a fight. But his voice was curt as he answered, "Fine, it makes you feel good. But you assign no emotion to it. Your body has urges, sex fulfils them. Any willing body will do."

Dean couldn't believe what he was hearing. "If I just wanted sex I would still be hooking up with women."

"Except you haven't had much luck seducing them lately. How long had you gone without copulating before you had intercourse with me?"

Dean's own happy hormones were being rapidly doused. He had a sour taste in his mouth. "I don't think that is any of your business."

"I deserve to know if I'm just a convenient way of exercising your libido."

Dean sat up, all thought of sleep forgotten. "Is that really what you think of me?"

Cas had withdrawn to the other side of the bed. His arms were folded across his chest and he wasn't meeting Dean's gaze. "I don't know what to think. You haven't said anything. I admitted how I felt about you and you let me kiss you and then we started doing _this_. But it has been two months and you haven't said a word."

"Are you expecting me to start spouting a whole bunch of lovey-dovey chick-flick crap? Because if that's what you're after, you're with the wrong guy."

"I'm not asking for a sonnet."

"Then what? What do you want from me, Cas?"

"I want you to talk to me."

"I am talking to you. This is talking."

Cas flicked a glance at him. "It sounds more like yelling."

Dean's expression darkened. "This is _not_ yelling, but if you don't spit out what you're trying to say then it might head that way."

"Why are you like this? Is it because of your father?"

Dean spluttered. " _Excuse_ me?"

"Of course it is. You were the eldest. He treated you more as a soldier than a son. It was probably a rare day when he said he was proud of you. I doubt he ever told you what you really wanted to hear."

There was a roaring in Dean's ears. He didn't care that he was naked; he couldn't stand to be on the bed a second longer. He flipped off the covers and was across the other side of the room in seconds, as far away from Cas as possible, even though the scant two paces weren't nearly far enough. "I can't believe you just said that," he fumed at the wall.

"I'm just trying to understand."

"I'm not some hooker in a brothel, Cas, I don't need you psycho-analysing me!"

"What choice do I have? You never tell me what you are feeling."

"Because I'm a dude. We're dudes. We don't _do_ this."

"Sam doesn't seem to have any trouble expressing his emotions."

"Why don't you go fuck him then?" Dean snapped. His fists were clenched so tight his nails were biting into his palms; he was resisting the urge to punch the wall.

"Because I am not in love with him, I'm in love with you." He sounded so calm, so matter-of-fact about it.

Dean whirled around to face him. "Don't say that!"

"Why not? It's true."

"How would you know? Until six months ago you weren't even human!"

"I fell in love with you long before I Fell from Heaven. You were the reason I Fell."

Dean felt a stab of guilt at the thought that he was responsible for Cas losing everything - his home, his family, his Grace, his immortality – and it only made him angrier. "Don't go blaming me."

"I don't. It was the best decision I ever made."

Dean snorted. "Yeah, sure. Now you're stuck down here, slumming it with us humans."

"I'm with you. That's all I ever wanted."

"Except I'm not living up to your expectations, am I? You thought this would be all sweet and romantic, that we'd get married and adopt a few kids and live in a house with a white picket fence and leave the hunting life far behind us. Well I hate to burst your bubble, Cas, but that is never going to happen. I'm not that guy."

"I'm not asking you to be. I don't need any of those things. All I need is you. But I need _all_ of you. I need you to be open and honest with me. I need to know that we are in this together."

"We're here, aren't we? We're together. It doesn't get more together than this."

"We sleep together. But without an emotional connection, it's just sex. And that's not what I'm looking for."

Dean looked around at the small room; the first place he'd ever had to truly call his own. After years of hopping from motel to motel, constantly sharing with Sam, carrying all his belongings in a rucksack, it had been an incredible feeling to finally have his own bedroom. He felt comfortable here. Safe. Or he had, until he found himself naked in the corner, hideously exposed in front of the first person he had dared to trust like this, who was in the process of throwing it all back in his face.

"This is my space," Dean said stiffly. "I let you in, but if that isn't good enough for you, the door is right there."

Cas stared at him. Then, slowly, he stood up and began to gather his clothes off the floor. He pulled them on, one piece at a time, utterly silent. When he was finished, he walked to the door and placed his hand on the knob.

"I have told you I love you," he said quietly. "I have saved your life more times than I can remember. I have betrayed Heaven for you. I have killed for you. I have died for you. I have done everything I can to atone for my mistakes and to earn your forgiveness. I have forgiven you in turn for all the times you have hurt me. I have returned to you over and over again. I don't know what else I can do to convince you that my feelings are genuine. But if you do not return those feelings, then I'll go. I won't bother you again."

He opened the door.

Dean stared at Castiel's back, and he could feel something inside him breaking. But he should have known this would happen. Everyone he loved left him eventually. He had thought that maybe, if he didn't admit it out loud, or even to himself, if he didn't let the universe know that he was daring to open his heart to someone, that maybe, just maybe, this wouldn't be taken from him. Maybe Cas would stick around. But he should have known better.

He wanted Cas to stay, but the words stuck in his throat.

Cas bowed his head. "Goodbye, Dean."

And just like that, he was gone.

Dean knew that, this time, he wouldn't be coming back.

His throat tightened. His eyes were burning. He clenched his fists tighter, not caring if he broke the skin, but the pain didn't help. He was shaking. Grief was welling up in his chest, trying to choke him.

He shouldn't cry. He should be immune to this by now. He is Dean Winchester, and everybody leaves him. Story of his life. This shouldn't hurt so much. It shouldn't be breaking him in two.

But a sob escapes his throat and a traitorous tear escapes.

God. He couldn't do this. He couldn't lose Cas. Not Cas.

Before he even knew what he was doing, Dean had thrown on his jeans and a t-shirt. He sprinted through the bunker, running faster than his legs had ever taken him.

He found Cas at the top of the stairs, ready to walk out on him forever.

"Cas, wait!"

His hand was on the door, but he didn't open it. He wasn't turning around, but he wasn't leaving. Not yet.

"Cas. Please. We can work this out, alright? But only if you stay. I need you to stay."

"Why?"

Dean swallowed. He didn't know how to do this. "I don't- I don't have a good reason for you. I know you have a thousand reasons to leave. I know I'm messed up. All I ever do is yell at you, insult you, blame you, lash out at you, push you away. You don't deserve any of the crap I have shovelled your way. You shouldn't have to put up with me. I don't have any right to ask you to stay. But I want you to. Because I- because…" Oh god. He couldn't. Even though he was about to lose everything, he couldn't get those damn words out of his mouth.

"Cas, I haven't- I haven't ever… not since Mom. Because I told her every day and then one day I couldn't anymore. Dad never – and Sammy, I tried, but I was scared because if I – then he might – and I couldn't go through that again. It hurts, Cas. It hurts every damn time I lose someone I care about and if I say it – I might not ever be able to pull myself back together again.

"But I do, Cas. I can't say it but I need you to look at me and hear it anyway. Please."

Cas turned around slowly. Dean walked up the stairs to meet him, fear weighing down his every step. His mouth was dry. His heart was pounding.

Cas was looking at him, but he didn't say a word. Dean came to a stop in front of him. He wanted to reach out, but physical connection wasn't good enough.

"Cas, when I say I need you… It's the same. It means the same. I need you like I need oxygen. I need you beside me. I need your smile and your patience and your faith and your forgiveness. I need your strength and your ferocity and your stubbornness. I need your passion and your determination. I need your awkwardness and your dorkiness and the way that your eyes light up when you're happy. I need you. I-"

But the words still wouldn't come. Three words. It shouldn't be this hard. He was looking at Cas and he could feel the emotion swelling up inside him but he couldn't get it past his throat.

"I'm sorry," he choked. He buried his face in his hands; he couldn't bear to watch Cas leave. The door would slam and Cas would be gone and then Dean could collapse and let the tears take him.

But he felt gentle hands pulling his away from his face.

"Dean," Cas said gently. "I hear you." He leant in and pressed a soft kiss against Dean's lips.

To Dean's utter humiliation, the tears spilled over anyway.

But Cas just smiled and kissed his eyelashes. "I love you, too."


End file.
